Hitting the proverbial wall

Life has its way of keeping people humble. John Wayne said “Life if hard, it’s harder if you’re stupid.” Now I’ve never been stupid, quite the opposite. I have done many stupid things but I am very intelligent. Not trying to brag but most people I met confuse me with a highly educated person. Sometimes I can be too smart for my own good. I was smart enough to keep feeding my depression, anxiety, alcohol, and drug addiction for far too long. I was smart enough to keep myself out of legal trouble and rehab centers.

Getting back on the original topic about life keeping you humble, I have found out lately that the instant gratification I was receiving through the self medicating, doesn’t really happen in real life. I wasn’t smart enough to understand that, that was the stupid part. I have been working my program and making a lot of progress in that area. Sometimes, of course, the sadness and depression creep in some. It’s the inability to work and the barriers to collecting disability that are becoming more and more frustrating. I feel I’m doing my part by going to the appointments, following the instructions, losing weight, and doing my program, all while trying to build an internet business selling my woodworking crafts.

The lack of income is causing issues in my relationship which are interfering with my recovery. I’m growing tired and frustrated with the hamster on the wheel syndrome, where my wheels are spinning but I’m not gaining any ground. Thankfully my wife is working and it is not as bad as it could be. We have a place to live and food to eat but things like saving to get my truck fixed is not in the cards right now. With not having a job it could be worse but I can’t just run out to the woods and hunt for downed trees. That is certainly a hindrance to obtaining no cost materials.

Getting these thoughts out of my head is helpful yet they are still running around at night while I try to sleep. At first I was trying to use that time to be productive, it helped bring some ideas to life. The Website, blog, Etsy store, and a few design ideas came from insomnia. In the end it was causing more trouble than it was worth. I was still trying to be productive during the day, working my program, and doing my part around the house. Then my anxiety started to take over, I would get overwhelmed all of a sudden. Feeling that sense of dread returning, the tightness in the chest, and the need to be alone, worried that people could see I was panicked. I wasn’t paying attention to the signs. Trying to get back into everything too quickly, looking for the instant gratification again!

Now here I am, not back to square one, but examining what happened. Why did I allow myself to push past where I really am? Why did I not slow down even when I saw the signs coming? What can I do when I catch myself again? These are the things I need more focus on. I realized I unconsciously gave up meditation and controlled breathing exercises. These will go back on my daily agenda!


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