“To sleep, perchance to dream-
ay, there’s the rub.” Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Normally this is thought of in the sense of suicide of the sleep from death. In this instance I’m only searching for the sleep.
In the beginning of recovery I had a real problem falling asleep. The racing thoughts that lead me into depression would cause me to lay awake regretting all the bad choices I ever made. Therapy and medication helped me to overcome this and I was able to attain a normal sleep schedule. However it was only fleeting. In the last two weeks sleep has eluded me yet again. Falling asleep is not so much the problem, maintaining sleep has become the issue. Waking after half an hour or forty five minutes has become the norm.
You don’t realize the effect sleep has on your well being until it’s gone. Irritability and lack of motivation have gained a foothold. I’m feeling like the progress I have worked so hard to achieve is being negated. The program I’m in now is mostly gear toward addiction, which I do need help with. Although my main struggle of late is and has been depression and anxiety. I was at my medicine appointment today and I felt as though the psychiatrist was just inputting data into the computer. When I told him my concerns about the program he only nodded and kept typing. He refilled my scripts and gave me something for sleep. It was just frustrating. Driving home I kept getting more and more anxious until I pulled in the driveway.
That was it! I went into a full blown panic attack. I had not had that happen in a while. It scared the hell out of me! Thankfully my wife was home, she could tell I was in the middle of a crisis. She was able to get me calm enough to breathe normally and lie down. I was able to fall asleep for a while.
After waking I was still kind of freaked out. I stayed in bed most of the day, something I haven’t done in weeks. It seemed like everything was against me. I did my best to go back in my journal to read all the good things I have accomplished. There have been many things to be happy about and it started working. Then life, the absolute asshole it can be, came back with a vengeance. I looked at the mail and of course there was something that I really did not need to see at the moment. It wasn’t the end of the world kind of thing but it was a slap in the face when you have sunburn kind of thing. I was able to put it in to perspective and get it out of my head thankfully. I will force myself into the shop. It is the only way I will be able to snap out of this.