Back from the never

So… It’s been a few weeks since last I’ve written. I’ve been on a trip. It was not planned, nor expected. I’ve been to that place again, you know the place. It’s the one we try never to speak of. Because if we mention it…

gate-of-hell-blake

Felt as if I was trapped in hell, every day was the same. Suffering and despair, nothing to look forward to or be excited about. I was unable to be around people again. I felt lost! In some ways I still do. My will is broken, I don’t feel like I have made any progress at all. I went from a program that was focused my depression and anxiety but still dealt with the alcohol addiction, to a substance abuse focused program. I know I have a problem with that, and  I am not ignoring it, but depression and anxiety are beating the shit out of me.

I still haven’t had a drink since Christmas, but I need a day or two of not feeling like I do right now. Working in my shop is not even giving me any relief. I can’t even get out of my head for an hour, all the things I’ve done and didn’t do keep going through my mind. Mistakes I’ve made. Wrong choices. So many bad decisions I can’ get past. It’s hell alright, a hell I’ve made for myself and I’m my own punisher.

Still, I’m trying to work my way through this relapse. I haven’t given up at all yet. I’m still going to get better, this is no way to live.

 

3 thoughts on “Back from the never

  1. Reading this has brought tears to my eyes for your despair – I know EXACTLY how you feel and how difficult it is to do ANYTHING when your own brain is literally beating you down.
    Please try to stop lingering on thoughts of the mistakes you feel you’ve made – it’s gone you can’t change what went before.
    The fact that you’ve written this post is a good sign …… you CAN overcome your own thoughts…… You have done so very well to have not taken a drink – HOW FANTASTIC are you really to achieve that?
    YOU WILL feel good again – You are already Enough!
    Keep saying it: I AM ENOUGH
    DO SOMETHING that will take the focus off the past – Go outdoors and literally NOTICE everything – become conscious of something other than the black hole – Read: Make it Ultra Blog – there are some fantastic pieces of advice on there for dealing with negative thoughts – anything is worth a try. Reach out to people like you have done with this post – I’m sending you healing thoughts and compassion – Keep fighting it – YOU CAN GET THOUGH THIS ❤ 🙂 Shell

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Shell! I thought directly to your comment. I know what you are saying is true! I really appreciate you for saying it. I met with my provider and we did adjust my meds. They were giving me something for depression that was increasing my anxiety! I’ve noticed some difference already. I’m starting to feel the progress I was making before, returning. Thank you again so much!
      Vinny

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you Shell!! I appreciate your words and thoughts. I’ve been working on it long enough to know what you have said and I do! It’s just sometimes you get overwhelmed and it just seems like you are not getting any where. We are making some adjustments with treatment and will see how it goes. Thank you again!

    Like

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