So… It’s been a few weeks since last I’ve written. I’ve been on a trip. It was not planned, nor expected. I’ve been to that place again, you know the place. It’s the one we try never to speak of. Because if we mention it…
Felt as if I was trapped in hell, every day was the same. Suffering and despair, nothing to look forward to or be excited about. I was unable to be around people again. I felt lost! In some ways I still do. My will is broken, I don’t feel like I have made any progress at all. I went from a program that was focused my depression and anxiety but still dealt with the alcohol addiction, to a substance abuse focused program. I know I have a problem with that, and I am not ignoring it, but depression and anxiety are beating the shit out of me.
I still haven’t had a drink since Christmas, but I need a day or two of not feeling like I do right now. Working in my shop is not even giving me any relief. I can’t even get out of my head for an hour, all the things I’ve done and didn’t do keep going through my mind. Mistakes I’ve made. Wrong choices. So many bad decisions I can’ get past. It’s hell alright, a hell I’ve made for myself and I’m my own punisher.
Still, I’m trying to work my way through this relapse. I haven’t given up at all yet. I’m still going to get better, this is no way to live.